If you're not sure what's going on. I apologize.
Please check my entry on the system journal ceruleanechoes for full explanation. (I don't know how to say this is the direct link)

If all goes well tonight I will no longer be here in this capacity, but myself and the others (other two alters, not ALL the other alters) will be amalgmated into faithjournai. This journal will be deleted within a week, as far as I'm told. It has already been backed up on Stan's hard drive. When it will be purged is up to livejournal.com

...I won't be updating here any more.
In fact I've backed the journal up. I'm debating just purging it.

I know I do these things periodically, but -- what can I say?

Check into Daycare Assistance Program
Check Daycares other than Sonshine given it opens at 7 a.m. and we would need a place at least open by 6:45 for certain days.
Check PU2B (blog has something due by April 18, ami-chan has something due by April 21 DO THEM!)
Back up beyondmirrors.net/blog and import into thesilverpath.net/blog
Close down beyondmirrors.net and set up thesilverpath.net forwarding.
Download/back-up beyondmirrors.net/shop
Do some posts on ceruleanechoes.com
Write out schedule things for the next few weeks for Kanga

Nimue came back this morning.
Very ragged, very hungry, sore tail; but she's back and has been re-collared.
She's very skittish.
I like to think that my wandering around the outskirts of the jungle last night calling her reminded her where home was and thus she found us.

She must have eaten non-stop for about ten minutes. Glad that she's okay.

I'm worried about Nim. Maybe I shouldn't be cats do wander off; but I realized when we were home from work today that she hasn't been around in several days. Maybe we've just been missing her, being at work, but there are so many woods and things around here, and her without a collar right now...she *does* have the micro-chip, but, of course I wonder: what if it didn't activate? what if no one's checked it? if she's dead in the woods the chip doesn't really matter?

I wonder if I'm trying to distract myself from the job aspect of things because I can't do it. There's WAY too much people interaction I would be hiding in a corner by now with the non-stop stream, and just hovering around trying to help with all the computer business a few times today when the pumps got locked up I almost had a panic attack when one gentleman had a meltdown because his cigarettes were too expensive.

There is no way I can deal with that job, so I find myself worrying again. This is not my area of expertise, worrying perhaps, but working in such a highly social atmosphere is definitely not. So, I distract myself with Nim, and working out how we're going to wangle the almost $1000 we'd need to be able to make it to BIL/SILs wedding in August and working out how much pay I might get after taxes and if we would be able to pull daycare out of that, and realizing we only have $40 in the bank account already and D just got paid on Friday; but groceries and buying uniform pants and things at Walmart and almost $600 in credit card bills and a $250 cell phone bill will do that to you. The deductible for D's replacement phone was on this past one.

I'm trying to remind myself there will be progress. There's actually space on several credit cards now, not that they need to be used because of it. The hospital bill only has $98 left on it; but we still owe the computer person $100. I do need to pay him at least half of that and soon. There should be another $40 coming in from Paypal. I doubt we'll get paid from this new job within the next week though.

We do always seem to cut things tightly.

Please pass on the word and if you can partake. We're in a bad place, needing to replace a pressure tank, having to delay mortgage payment. Still no one will hire me.

Thank you.

http://thesilverpath.net/new-specials/

So, the continuing issue with "that person".
As I said yesterday I emailed her back after the response and this is what I said.

( My Email )

I realize re-reading some of the patterns I engage in; trying to take all the blame, assuming fault. This is not MY fault. I shouldn't do that.

However, three hours later I received a response. It was three very short paragraphs.

The first paragraph talked about my change of email address. (We have beyondmirrors.net routing things automatically to thesilverpath.net); and how she would update her address book.
The second paragraph talked about several sci-fi shows which are coming out including a Dr. Who special. Both of these paragraphs were about as long as my explanations here.
The last sentence really, not even a paragraph, said that the health issues whatever they may have been are clearing up.

Abby is saying that we should look on this entire exchange with our "pit" analogy for dealing with relationships. She was in the pit. This entire time we've been interacting she's been scrabbling up and down the sides of the pit, and with the NaNo incident she fell back to the bottom. The emails that we sent were a line of rope offering her escape from the pit but instead she tied it into a noose and just hung herself.

I'm not keen on the analogy but I have to acknowledge that it has some merit. Our friendship is extremely toxic. I've perhaps not really, truly acknowledged that toxicity because I got to know her while I was with Lu; and no one else can seem toxic when held up against the Lu filter; but she is toxic in her own right.

Or maybe that should be why do I get myself into situations like this?
There's a certain person that many of you will recall. Fell out with them over the wedding. They got back in touch. Had another blow out with them around NaNo time. You know the one.

Well since then communication on my part with them has been extremely stilted. They've written several emails which have gone unanswered. They've commented on my blog periodically. I've been composing emails to them in my head on and off for months trying to explain how I don't feel comfortable talking to them because there are so many unresolved dangling issues.

This morning I get a random email talking about Wolverine: Origins and asking about the munchkin's birthday celebrations.

So, I wrote them back

( My Email )

The response I get is basically them saying that they don't know what they're expected to say, and that clearly they don't feel untrustworthy or paranoid given all they were doing was writing me a chatty email, etc.
That they've been dealing with health issues lately so the "trickle" of emails is because they've not been being really chatty with anyone so not to feel as though I'm being singled out.

I'm getting an internal lecture in a sense now, because others say I should have known they would completely miss the point. That I shouldn't have bothered writing them another email in response to it. I suppose it goes back to how I feel that I have to give everything every single possible shot.

I explained that I was surprised they were talking to me at all. That I don't expect constant communication. That the trickle of emails was referring to that fact, and that I didn't feel it possible to add on "chatty" notes when writing a weighty email, and that given it wasn't the fact that their emails were being buried under mailing lists that I wasn't answering them and that I thought they should know that.

This is what I get for trying to find closure.

At the last session Miss Elsie had said she was going to want to discuss some things with myself, Jared and Rachel, not necessarily in that order. Normally when she says some thing like this we arrange to have whoever she asks for go to the appointment and I was intending to go, I really was; but...I panicked in the waiting room and passed the buck.

I thought I might be off that hook when Abby talked to Elsie about the journal; but she asked if Abby was willing for the hypnosis and then asked if she could talk to me. I felt (probably because they were) that everyone else was in a sense pushing me to go forward. It wasn't...bad, it was more that they were trying to reassure me that it would be okay, and then there I was sitting in the chair, staring at a mostly closed wooden venetian blind.

( Cut for length )

Then she said that she didn't want to broach anything further in case it would upset me given how close we were to the end of the session and asked if I was able to drive, and I said I preferred not to so she asked Abby to come back forward.

This is a break through in and of itself, because it's the first time she's acknowledged that Abby, is the front but that her name isn't the [birth name]. Normally she calls Abby by the [birth name] but then she really only found out last session that there hasn't been anyone who accepts the [birth name] for quite some time. Whoever's been forward...they've dealt with it but it's not been one that's been liked ever.

Apparently she wants to talk to me again though. We have another appointment a week on Tuesday, I believe it is, but that makes me nervous. I suppose it's to be expected. I get nervous quite a bit.

We still haven't heard anything about the job interview; but they would hopefully have received the thank you letter today or perhaps tomorrow.

I have an interview tomorrow at noon. They wanted Thursday at first, but we agreed to take Mum to the hospital for a procedure Thursday morning, and who knows how long that will take, so they asked if we could come tomorrow at noon, and so yes was said.

So, tomorrow at noon there is an interview in a nearby town for a position at a Technical College that is opening a close-by campus in April. They have two positions open: Administrative Assistant, and something in Admissions, both are clerical positions, but the Admissions job involves selling and promoting the school to prospective students.

So, here's hoping.

I’m back from the shop with the working computer, Lazarus 2.1, formerly known as Stan 4.0.

We have much praise for Henry at MDR Computers who fixed him, and put up with my dufus-ness, when I freaked out and thought he was still broken but it turned out I’d left the spare mouse plugged in after reinstalling the wireless one. I feel as though I should turn in my geek card for that one. Maybe just a temporary suspension?

Anyway, I will be catching up on things slowly but surely over the next few days, as I reinstall various programs and fix up the new website that Kore and I are going to be using for our tarot site.

In the mean time just the urgent programs: Adobe Photoshop and Microsoft Office are going on. (Abby and Kore need new business cards before the tarot thing tonight) It’s very comforting to know that the software I’ve been using for my anti-virus and spyware protection is the exact same ones that the IT people use: AVG Anti-Virus, Ad-Aware and Spybot! Woohoo!

cross posted to ami-chan.net and ceruleanechoes

...that there are several people on here who aren't on the main system journal, so I should also let you know that our computer has died.

I have brief access here and there using my room mate's laptop, but the main computer is dead, and I have failed to be able to fix it. It's being assessed at a nearby shop to see what exactly is wrong with it and if it's worth fixing. The gentleman who is looking at it is very nice, and plays WOW which several including Kore (room mate) get a kick out of. He said he will let us know and if we decide it's worth fixing, depending on what he says, we may be able to do it ourselves.

Even if Stan is fixable we need to get another computer because legally having an internet based business, due to new IRS legislation, we need to have a computer specifically for business and a seperate personal computer.

As it is right now I'm on another round of applying for jobs, there are intake clerical jobs open at both local hospitals, and there may be a job for me at the local gas station to go on into the mean time, but given how social that is I doubt I would be the one attending it most of the time. ALL those people, and the place is very close to where my (ex)step-father lives. At least it's in D's jurisdiction so if there ever is a problem I know the local LEOs more than have my back. I just...

I have a meeting with our insurance agent on Tuesday. I'm going to have her go over my resume and give me some pointers. She apparently also would like a tarot reading, but that's Abby's department.

We've been having business consultations with the local SCORE group; and we have some ideas of how to rearrange things with the main business, Abby's and Kore's business--the tarot reading. However several key portions of that have to wait until there's at least one working powerhouse computer, that Adobe Photoshop can be reinstalled on.

Anyway, in some relief, the taxes are finally done, and we're actually getting a little bit more back than initially estimated, but still not a whole lot, maybe $200; but it's better than the initial estimate which had us paying $650 or more.

We don't have therapy again until the 24th of March, unless a cancellation comes in the mean time. Last time she talked to Max, and probably will again, given she wanted him to make charts of the head space and a chronological chart of when and where each of us manifested. The latter turned into 13 small charts. The head space map was just three floors each with either three or four rooms.

I had best get on. I have at least one blog assignment I need to get done, as it was due yesterday, and then I should let out some one willing to cook, after I clean up the kitchen.

The HSA is NOT TAXABLE!
THE HSA IS NOT TAXABLE!

So, we may not owe as much/anything on taxes AND I didn't mess things up as badly as I thought on last years!

D was insistent it wasn't taxable, and I was SO upset because the tax person at H&R was saying that it IS. I called back the city at D's request and it is NOT taxable and she said I can call her from the tax place on Friday and she will TELL the tax person that it IS NOT taxable!

As long as we've only been using it for medical expenses it is NOT taxable, and all it has been paying is: hospital bill, deductible/co pays and prescriptions!

HAPPY DANSU!

...I *finally* got today the 2 x 2gig DDRI800 chips that I ordered on the 1st. (They were supposed to get here last week some time, but apparently DHL just put them in the mail and sent them that way, so they got here today :p

Anyhow, because I've been itching to upgrade and Stan's been CRAWLING for weeks you can bet that's what I'm going to do post haste.

So, if I disappear for more than a few hours. I fragged the drive some how...and you can bet there'll be an irate voice post to follow.

Memory's usually really easy though. I hope I didn't just jinx myself.

cross posted to ceruleanechoes

Abby's store has some specials going on right now.

Candlemas Candle Sale, votives and tapers are offered at a discount.

Valentine's Day Readings Special, all relationship tarot readings are $5 off.

This was prompted by a discussion on multiplicity but for some reason the LJ system is not letting me post the reply to the entry specifically, so I'm storing it here and perhaps after therapy someone will be able to get in to comment with it.

****
From what I've seen of the show they don't actually mention what the medications she was on were supposed to be for. There have been several medications that we've been prescribed for psychiatric reasons by both GP and a psychiatrist that have really futzed up internal communication. Those were either sleep aids or anti-depressants or combinations of the two (like Trazodone). While I can't say for certain given the open-endedness of the medication discussion on the show doesn't really clarify, and it is distressing to think that while they say they're trying to educate they do seem to be blowing it on that score. I still hold out hope that the medications she was on will show up to have just been for depression or some thing else, and had the side-effect of silencing everything and so that's why they were being taken. That she hoped that just having silence from it would help and realized it didn't.

We as a system (given I actually haven't talked to the therapist) have been in treatment for some time. For a long time we were just muddling along working things out ourselves, but with having a child in the family, we decided that we would go to a therapist and see if that could help us somewhat so that we could be more stable through the child's early years, in particular. We have seen a psychiatrist and he did give us meds early on anti-depressants (Lexapro) and while that didn't have much in the way of side effects compared to the Cymbalta, Wellbutrin or Ambien that we'd been given by various GPs who had no idea what was going in our brain we endeavored to wean off it because while there wasn't any of the hash-OMG-who-is-driving??? that happened with the others, it did send some people a bit loopy, and others caused weight issues, or had affects on our desires and thus caused issues with our spouse.

I will say that we're doing a lot better off meds, purely doing talk therapy with a social worker rather than getting treatment from the Psych. Granted he was just a consultant really. He admitted that two of his SWs had more experience with Multiplicity (as they actually call it there) and so basically just had us have meetings with him once every few months to make sure we had no problems with the SW and that we were doing okay overall mood wise and if we wanted to go back on the meds etc.

Talk therapy is not for everyone, and neither are meds. From what my SW says she sees Multiples have a LOT of trouble with meds, different alters (or parts, people) in the system have different reactions, some will be allergic and others not, some get the desired affect, some don't. I think people's response to treatment is going to vary just as some people don't like shellfish, others do and others are allergic.

I've seen some good come out of "Tara" already. There have been some interesting discussions on the Showtime message boards, a very interesting Yahoogroup sprang up out of some of those discussions. I'm not going to say that "Tara" is THE MULTIPLE SHOW TO END ALL MULTIPLE SHOWS; but I think it's a start. They attempt to show some positivity, her family is aware of the situation, while things are rough and tumble, things are rough and tumble with EVERY family whether the parents are bipolar, multiple or fairly free of psychiatric disorder, there are going to be issues. She's not psychotic and she's not a serial killer; and with the advent of one show that opens the door for other shows which can highlight other things, and other aspects of the situation whether it's a disorder for a system or it's not.

Things are a bit better for me today.
I can't say what has the credit for it exactly. I had an IM conversation with someone I had previously spoken to on FB. He said he was interested in calling me at some point when through the course of conversations about cost-cutting it came up we have the same cell phone plan.
I told him that was not something I should do. Then I told him that I have DID so there are others and different circumstances to take into account. That memories I believe are true are not true; that while I remember living in Japan I did not live in Japan. All of that.
It turns out he has some relatives who have had issues of abuses and while they're not multiples have at least had dissociative episodes during their life time. I feel bad, but at the same time I wonder if somehow we were connected, one of those random happenstances because experiences can help each other out some times.

It was odd too because he mentioned hair pulling; and I had forgotten that I used to do that. I never really realized I was doing it until I was doing the AP exam for one of my classes in high school and one of the counselors came and asked me if I needed to take a break and go outside for a bit because I'd been pulling my hair out while I was thinking.
I didn't pull out in chunks, but now that my memory is jogged I remember I would go through and find hairs of certain colors and pull them out one by one. My hair was supposed to be blond, after all, and there were all these other different shades in it, red, white, brown, black.

It jars me though, when I remember these things. I'm used to thinking back on childhood in a good light; be it childhood in Japan or childhood here. I remember that I did eventually find decent friends despite the bullying, and I really don't remember any details of the bullying despite the fact that it happened. I do remember that there were people who turned against me because I realized it was not right to let them continue to copy my homework instead of doing their own.

Eventually we'll straighten everything out I realize that now. I'm still not sure that I want to stay though. I feel like I cause nothing but problems.

I've seen it for a few people, so there we go.

T H E N ↔ N O W

I still don't feel as though I fit. I feel...as though I'm the piece of the jigsaw that was put in the wrong box all blues and purples with the rest of the reds and blacks.

Then I feel silly for feeling that way. I've been here for so long; but yet...it's so hard to put into words, but I feel as if I don't get it out I will burst.

I've at least been busy the past few days setting up the shop and doing all of that; but I still feel listless and as though I'm disappearing, which I can't blame, I suppose, because I did want to not have to do anything but I also feel that I'm neglecting my appointed duties if I just slip away. There's the possibility of a job again. A part time job but a job I would need to do that; but what is it if I can't even set foot in the interview room is it my job? I feel as though we'd be jipping someone, but at the same time aren't we all the same?

I'm no good at the less academic analysis of things, and I know that it doesn't feel correct to prescribe to the clinical one. I can never keep things straight.